Our best-in-class, multiple award-winning SEO marketing consultant advises us that, while this blog post may lack anything resembling what might commonly be labelled substance, it will nonetheless propel our organisation’s website into the search-ranking big leagues.

Forget about digital natives – our internationally recognised, conversion-led content-strategy brainiac is nothing short of a pure-bred digital virtuoso. Her blood type is Gmail, and her birth certificate lists Twitter as her father’s birthplace. A strictly Bitcoin kind of operator, if you know what we mean.

Soon enough, this seemingly inconsequential article – which she delivered to us 25 minutes ago – will be forever listed at the top of every search-results page you can imagine (market-share sustainability predictions permitting). So assured is she of its inevitable success that we’ll even tell you exactly how we’re going to do it – after a short and unnecessary exercise in audience-retention variability.

That we’ve included all of last year’s most search-engine-friendly keywords in the body of this page’s code will have next to no influence on how it eventually ranks. We could mention Facebook, YouTube, Amazon, Hotmail, and Kylie Jenner if we wanted (and just did), but that’s not how we’re getting to the top. Rest assured, there’ll be no sly algorithmic piggybacking or viral-marketing parlour-trick fuckery coming from us.

Neither does it have anything to do with our groundbreaking, in-house-developed search-optimisation plug-in – the executable files for which you can already find for free on GitHub. This post achieving a near-perfect score across metrics including readability, metaphrasing, and keyword analysis doesn’t even begin to explain how it will perform online. That’s to say nothing of our novel approach to enter_string commands in optimising URL-indexing operations. Hell, we just made that last one up – but you’re too technically illiterate to have noticed.

None of that technology stuff is of much real interest to us anyway. The way we see the future of the digital economy, content has no business making any kind of claim to the throne. The fact that we’ve put all our eggs in the basket of this rambling (but soon-to-be high-achieving) composition is more than adequate proof of that.

The truth behind why you’ve inevitably found yourself sitting in front of this article, reading every word (willingly or not), is that the hiring of our SEO consultant happened to coincide directly with the addition of $109 in funding to our paid-search marketing budget. Put plainly, we’ve purchased just short of all the words on the internet – including the dirty ones. What’s the value of words next to the almighty dollar anyway? Get used to reading posts like this; you’ll be seeing a lot more of them from now on.

Now go on – buy some rubbish you don’t need on Amazon. That’s right, carry on, you insignificant prole.