Our best in class, multiple award-winning SEO marketing consultant advises us that, while this blog post may lack any amount of what might be commonly labelled substance, it will nonetheless propel our organisation’s website into the search ranking big leagues.

Forget about digital natives, our internationally recognised, conversion-led content strategy brainiac is nothing short of a pure-bred digital virtuoso. Her blood type is Gmail, and her birth certificate lists Twitter as daddy’s birthplace. A strictly Bitcoin kind of operator, if you know what we mean.  

Soon enough, this seemingly inconsequential article, that she delivered to us 25 minutes ago, will be forever listed at the top of every search results page you could imagine (market share sustainability predictions permitting). So assured is she of its undoubted success that we will even tell you exactly how we’re going to do it. That is, following a short and unnecessary exercise in audience retention variability.

That we have included all of last year’s most search-engine friendly keywords in the body of this page’s code will have next to no influence on how it eventually ranks. We could mention Facebook, Youtube, Amazon, Hotmail and Kylie Jenner if we wanted (and just did), but that’s not how we’re getting to the top. Rest assured, there’ll be no sly algorithmic piggybacking or viral marketing parlour trick fuckery coming from us.

Neither has it anything to do with our groundbreaking and in-house developed search optimisation plug-in – the executable files for which you can already find for free on Github. This post accomplishing a near perfect score across metrics including readability, metaphrasing and keyword analysis doesn’t even begin to explain how it will perform online. That is to speak nothing of our novel approach to  enter_string commands in optimising URL indexing operations. Heck, we just made that last one up, but you’re too technically illiterate to have known it.

None of that technology stuff is of really all that much interest to us anyway. The way we see the future of the digital economy; content has no business making any kind of claim to the throne. The fact that we put all our eggs into the basket of this rambling (but soon to be high achieving) composition is a more than adequate demonstration of that.

The truth as to why you will inevitably find yourself sat in front of this article, reading every word (willingly or not), is because the hiring of our SEO consultant happened to directly coincide with the addition of $10⁹ in funding to our paid search marketing budget. Put plainly, we have purchased just short of all the words on the internet – including the dirty ones. What is the value of words next to the almighty dollar anyway? Get used to reading posts like this, you’ll be seeing a lot more of them from now on. Now, go on, go and buy some rubbish you don’t need on Amazon. That’s right, carry on, you insignificant prole.

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