A Ten Point Manifesto for London’s Trendiest New High-End Eatery
Our manifesto embodies our commitment to lead the dining revolution by exposing the public to alternative avenues of perception and to question the very foundations of the dining experience.
- This establishment has absolutely no intention of serving food that fulfils arbitrary criteria such as visual appeal or taste. The belief that a meal should be a pleasurable experience is an illusion of the complacent and entitled classes. Most – that is to say all – dishes served in this restaurant will be largely inedible.
- The Universe is a violent and unpredictable place and life a dangerous wager. As such, we do not disclose allergen information for any of the food we serve here. Any special dietary requirements brought to our attention will be received with a sympathetic ear and promptly ignored.
- We understand the value of a varied musical program in enhancing the dining experience for our customers and are passionate about creating an atmosphere that is subversive but approachable. Therefore, our playlist features alternating selections from Schoenberg’s 12-tone repertoire as well as today’s top dub-step and modern country hits.
- To curb what our management team have identified as reservation privilege, prospective diners are asked to enter our online lottery system and allow for a waiting period of up to 6-months. An hour before seating, they will receive an email confirming their required arrival time. Failure to meet a reservation will result in a 100% loss of deposit and ban for life.
- Our restaurant whole heartedly rejects the bourgeois notion of “the good table”. As such, patrons are expected to eat at designated spaces on the floor along the walls of the dining room.
- To avoid any misunderstandings regarding identity or misapprehensions about individuality, patrons will be issued with a beige jumpsuit and mask upon arrival. All parties of more than one diner will be then separated and seated with strangers. It almost goes without saying that there must be absolutely no conversation of any kind between patrons during the meal service.
- Recognizing that choice is little more than self-delusion and language a confining prison, all our menus will be written in an utterly meaningless language made up of randomly generated symbols and bearing no relation whatsoever to any of the food items served here. Ultimately, diners will receive the same meal regardless of selection.
- Two drinks are served at this restaurant, one a fine Château Latour 2009, the other, a half-pint of salted horse urine. To draw attention to the unpredictable and futile nature of human agency, the drink a diner is to receive will be decided by the maître d’ via coin toss. We occasionally also serve Diet Pepsi.
- To challenge and deconstruct societal gender norms and power structures, our restroom is exclusively available to our female identifying patrons and contains only a single porcelain urinal reoriented to 90 degrees from its regular position of use. For any bodily functions not facilitated by this system, we advise customers to use the public toilets down the street.
- We will never accept cash, credit card or and kind of monetary transaction (a token of capitalistic inequity) as payment at this establishment. Instead, the bill is to be settled by patrons completing a series of unproductive and dehumanising tasks as dictated by the waiting staff. Nevertheless, we do encourage tipping.
We look forward to you dining with us. Thank you for your time.